Let’s start with the good news, and really it’s as good as good can be: the hospital consultant confirmed that I don’t have oesophageal cancer after all (or cancer of the lymph nodes, or thyroid, or any other place known to medical science they’d thought I might have it) and she doesn’t want to see me again. Of course, the world is full of people who never want to see me again so on its own this isn’t as impressive as it could be, but given that the growth on my vocal cords has gotten smaller now I’m not coughing all the time, I seem to be – cautiously, hopefully – out of the medical woods.
Path in the Forest
To establish this I had to get up close and personal one more time with the dreaded endoscope, the cold steel tube that slides up the nose and down the throat. It’s rather like being attacked by an amorous robot octopus. (I can usually keep it together right up to the moment when they ask you to say “Eeeee” with the tube in place, which is a bit like trying to whistle while gargling.) By way of a bonus, the consultant said my various infections had gone as well, and described the inside of my nose as “pristine”, which means I’ll never be short of a chat-up line again.
Scarfskerry Harbour
Alas, nature abhors a vacuum, or as Job puts it, the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away. And so I’ve got a new medical condition to stop me getting bored: the top knuckle of my left little finger has swollen up and the tip is starting to grow crooked, like a branch sprouting out of a polled tree. Hurts like the dickens, too. It’s probably arthritis. So it’s as they say, what we lose on the swings we gain on the roundabouts (though I’ve never been sure exactly what I’m likely to lose on the swings, unless it’s my lunch). We all have to dree our weird, or submit to our fate, so I’m really not complaining; all the same, I can’t help wondering if it had to be quite this weird…?
Sitting on the Fence
In parish notices we’ve received pictures of a rather splendid gansey knit by Belinda for her son. It’s knit using Frangipani dark navy yarn, and is a combination of cables, diamonds and chevrons, and other things too. Many congratulations to Belinda, not just for completing the gansey, no mean feat in itself, but also for what looks like a perfect fit, and thanks for sharing it with us.
TECHNICAL STUFF
Mrs Laidlaw’s Pattern
My own current gansey project is of course Mrs Laidlaw’s belter of a pattern from Seahouses, taken from Gladys Thompson’s book. It’s knit in Frangipani Breton yarn, a lovely autumnal russet shade, and is a combination of moss stitch panels at the edges, and trees and flags interspersed with crinkly bits. (What do you call those wriggling line patterns in between the trees? They remind me of the French “epi” bread, cut to resemble ears of wheat.) It’s a classic pattern and I’m looking forward to recreating it over the coming weeks and months.
The scene: Middle Earth. Saruman and his servant Wormtongue stand high aloft the tower of Isengard, looking out at vast army of orcs that reaches as far as the eye can see. Saruman sighs happily and turns to Wormtongue.
S: Ah, Wormtongue, is not my army of fighting uruk-hai truly magnificent?”
W: Absolutely, my lord. It’s just—
S: And are they poised to be unleashed upon our unsuspecting enemies cowering in Helm’s Deep?
W: Oh, no question of that, your evilness. Poised, certainly. Unleashed, oh yes, definitely. Though I should perhaps mention—
S: And are the towers and ladders made ready for the siege?
W: Well, you see, about that—
S: I’m sorry, is there a problem?
Dunbeath Harbour
W: Well, your dirty beardedness, you know you made me your health and safety adviser when I lost my job in Rohan?
S: This isn’t another of your misguided attempts at humour, is it? As in, ‘It’s elf and safety gone mad’?
W (hastily hiding behind his back a copy of 100 Merry Jests for Tickling the Fancy of Evil Tyrants): Ahaha, good lord, no, perish the thought. It’s just that the Deeping Wall at Helm’s Deep is twenty feet high.
S: And?
W: Well, you see, everyone’s got to finish their Working at Height training, and we’ve only got a dozen iPads to go round. And then there’s the question of risk assessments.
S: Risk assessments?
W: Oh yes, well, every orc going up those ladders has got to do one for slips, trips and falls.
S (sarcastically): What about having your head cut off when you’re at the top?
W: Technically a workplace injury, your despicableness.
S: You mean they could sue me for being decapitated?
W: Well, we’re already facing a lawsuit for bullying and harassment. Apparently calling your employees terms like “filth”, “scum” and “maggot” is no longer acceptable.
S: Bloody ingrates. What about the staff incentive scheme we introduced?
Lenticular clouds at Achavanich
W: Quite a few are opting out now they’ve discovered it means we whip them to make them run faster.
S: (gloomily): I miss the old days. Seems like the only thing you can take an axe to now is a tree.
W: (coughs anxiously): Ah now, MEEPA have raised an objection.
S: MEEPA?
W: Middle Earth Environment Protection Agency, your moral turpitudishness. I mean, we’re probably not going to meet our carbon emissions targets at this rate.
S (bitterly): Anything else?
W: Um, let’s see… The king’s counsellors you suborned with gold have been arrested under the Bribery Act (3010, Third Age). The people of the Westfold that you enslaved are bringing an action under anti-slavery legislation. Other than that, I think we’re good. Oh, and there is one bit of good news.
Water flowing to the sea, Dunnet Beach
S: Well?
W: All your orcs are wearing armour, so technically we’re compliant for personal protective equipment. Though speaking of workplace harassment, I, er, was wondering if you could stop calling me Wormtongue. My name is Desmond, after all.
S: Hmm, tell me, Desmond, have you done a risk assessment for standing up here on this tower with me?
W: Funnily enough, no—aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh….
S (now alone, musingly): You know, I think he was right the first time: it really is elf and safety gone mad…
Now, I’m not usually one to complain (Editor, quoting Bender the robot from Futurama: “Ahahaha. Oh wait, you’re serious. Let me laugh even harder”) but I’m starting to think that tourism up here is getting a bit out of hand. A lot of this is down to the North Coast 500, a clever marketing exercise that’s seen the broad loop of road that runs 120 miles north from Inverness to John o’ Groats, then west to Durness, and south down the west coast, taking in Skye, before heading east back to Inverness, rebranded as a tourist trail. And yes, it’s a lovely drive, even travelling at 30mph in a winding queue of traffic. But it’s turned the north Highlands from somewhere to go into something to do.
Muckle Skerry from John o’Groats
In the west country tourists are known as “grockles”, nobody knows why, but it’s a great name. In Cornwall I’ve heard them referred to as emmets, derived from an Old English word for ants (aemete), and you can see the metaphor. The other day we went up to Duncansby, to go for a walk along the cliffs and look and the sea stacks. But when we got there the car park was full, cars and vans were double- and triple-parked, and a solid line of people like emmets at a picnic trudged across the headland to see the view, take a few photos, and trudge back. (Reader, we chickened out, and went to John o’ Groats for an ice cream in the sun instead.)
In gansey news, it’s always exciting to start a new project. This time it’s another stone-cold classic, Mrs Laidlaw of Seahouses’ pattern, from Gladys Thompson. It’s a pattern I’ve loved ever since I first opened the book nearly 40 years ago, but have scarcely ever knit—well, it’s overdue a revisit. The yarn is Frangipani Breton, a lovely soft russet shade that should capture the pattern definition well. So it begins.
Stack at Sarclet
And do I begrudge other people the chance to experience the beauties of the Scottish landscape? Of course not: I’m a tourist myself every time I get in my car. So I guess I can see it from both sides. After all, what’s the point of scenery if no one looks at it? Here in Caithness there are plenty of quiet places that haven’t (yet) made the guidebooks, which you can visit with nary a camper van in sight. Though I do rather hanker back to wartime, when the north Highlands was a protected area, and you needed a special pass to go north past Inverness. You could limit the number of vehicles coming in, to avoid overcrowding: hmm, about five a day seems about right…
Let’s start with the jumper for a change: the Flamborough gansey is finished, washed and blocked and ready to go. When they’re being knitted, ganseys bunch up rather so you don’t always get an accurate view of how they’re going to look; but equally, immediately after blocking can be equally misleading. They need a couple of days to relax, to find their natural shape. I’m very pleased with how this one’s turned out, though really, it’s such a good pattern you can hardly miss. Now there’s just that anxious period between completion and discovering if it fits the intended victim recipient…
It’s been finished none too soon, either. In short, it’s gansey weather in England just now. You see, the jet stream usually lies somewhere over the middle of Scotland at this time of year, which means that the Central Belt and England enjoy long, hot summers, while the north Highlands get the kind of weather you see in a disaster movie. Not this year: the jet stream’s gone south for its holidays, so we’re getting a lovely summer and everyone else isn’t.
It’s been so dry that last weekend’s bonfire is still smouldering, so that it looks like we have a slumbering dragon down by the river. (“So, we are come to the desolation of the dragon.” “No, that’s just the way Wick normally looks, sorry.”) Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone’s holiday ruined. But the BBC national news sent a reporter down to a seaside town in England last week, who filed a report that basically it was wet and windy, but the day before had been quite nice. (Something to bear in mind the next time the Licence Fee comes up for discussion.)
It occurred to me that if England’s going to get our weather, it might like to borrow a few Scots words to describe it. So in a spirit of brotherly schadenfreude, I looked some up: “dreich” (wet and miserable), “drookit” (soaked to the skin), “greetie” (showery), “smirr” (drizzly rain), “blirtie” (sporadic gusts of wind and rain), “gouling” (stormy winds), “deasie” (to be cold and miserable) and “flindrikin” (small bouts of snow, though it sounds more like a wizard’s cat). Funnily enough, there were far fewer words for nice, sunny days like we’re having now…
Finally this week, top of the bill is another splendid gansey from Judit of the flashing needles. It’s Filey pattern taken from Rae Compton’s book (pages 66-67), alternating moss and purl diamonds together with double moss stitch panels. It’s a grand pattern and it shows up particularly well in the red-violet yarn she’s used. Many congratulations again to Judit, and again, many thanks for sharing it with us.
Let’s start with the good news, and really it’s as good as good can be: the hospital consultant confirmed that I don’t have oesophageal cancer after all (or cancer of the lymph nodes, or thyroid, or any other place known to medical science they’d thought I might have it) and she doesn’t want to see me again. Of course, the world is full of people who never want to see me again so on its own this isn’t as impressive as it could be, but given that the growth on my vocal cords has gotten smaller now I’m not coughing all the time, I seem to be – cautiously, hopefully – out of the medical woods.
