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Wick (John Macleod), Week 5: 24 December

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all throughout Wick
Not a creature was stirring, not even a tick.
I’d just gone outside to throw rocks at the moon
Before falling down drunk in a whisky-soaked swoon,
When I saw on the roof in astonished surprise
A sleigh and six reindeer, and a fat man likewise.
He was dressed all in red and his beard it was white,
And his shouting and curses enlivened the night.

“Oi, Rudolph, you halfwit, alas I’m undone!
It’s twenty to midnight and we’ve barely begun,
You knew a shortcut, you said, not to worry,
There’s plenty of time, we can stop for a curry;
You blithering imbecile brain-dead crustacean,
Next time I’ll adopt satellite navigation!”

He gazed all around as he blasphemed and cussed,
“Where the hell is this anyway?” he asked in disgust.
“Sir, this is Caithness,” I told him with pride,
“It’s just thirty miles long and it’s thirty miles wide.”
“Caithness, eh?” he mused. “Then we’re near Sinclair’s Bay,
By God! We can do it, let us be on our way,
On Grumpy, on Dopey, on Sleepy and Doc,
We can still shove these presents down somebody’s sock—
On Sneezy, on Rudolf, and most of all, Me,
And if time’s too short we can dump them at sea!”

He sprang onto his sled, with a shake of the rein
The man and his team became airborne again.
But ere he departed he looked down at me,
And called out this message, so bold and so free,
“People think I’m a nice guy, but I never forgive;
Tell no one about this: I know where you live…”

(A very Happy Christmas from Gordon and Margaret)

The Christmas Tree Festival
The Decorated Umbrella Procession
Decorated for Christmas: Cabin in Dunnet Forest

10 comments to Wick (John Macleod), Week 5: 24 December

  • meg macleod

    scammers get everywhere..definitely not the right santa..happy christmas Gordon.x

  • =Tamar

    The Decorated Umbrella Procession… that has got to be the Most Scottish Festival ever.

    I think I may be related to Santa.
    Happy Christmas!

  • Linda Abraham

    A very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy new year to both you and Margaret!

  • Julie

    Merry Christmas, Gordon and Margaret and gansey knitters everywhere.
    Victoria, BC, Canada

  • Melissa

    What a delightful poem – read aloud to my family. What fun for children to participate in the decorated umbrella procession, too. A very good new year to the MacLeods.

  • Lois

    So the Grinch is going around dressed as Santa! Tsk, tsk! What are things coming to these days?

    And a merry grinchly Christmas to everyone!

  • sharon Gunason Pottinger

    Best Christmas verse ever! Revel in your curmudgeonry and hurry home–the light’s coming back.

  • Gordon

    Merry Christmas everyone, thanks for dropping by over the festive season! I think we should start a tradition of Christmas poems – every tradition has to start somewhere, right? – and then with fair warning you know which week in the year to avoid!

    We’re about to start the 600-mile journey back. I just hope the horses are ready at each stage of the journey or it’ll be hell getting back over the pass…

  • Lynne

    Well done with the poetry, Gordon. Thanks for another year of fabulous prose and being everyone’s ‘gansey guru’. Merry Christmas and the best of health and prosperity in the New Year to you and Margaret.

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